Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes.

What am I supposed to say to an atheist when he sneezes, ah, when you die nothing happens.

Some girls look beautiful with no makeup on at all. I call them lazy. Now go throw some war paint on you bleak empty canvas you.

Dear semi hot girl taking photos on a boat. It's not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive a used Civic.

I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike and just start performing.

When I'm wrong I'm like the Emperor on the Death Star thinking he'll turn Luke. Yet, when I'm right I'm a Jedi like my father before me.

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.