When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.

There's always someone in every group of friends that nobody likes.

I once overheard the sweetest old woman behind me on a train tell her adorable old husband as he scoffed down a ham sandwich she had brought along, "If you ever yell at me to "stop bringing a ham sandwich with me every where we go" again? Next time I'm bringing a gun. And I'm blowing your God damn head off."

You can try to steal the thunder all you want, it just reminds people I'm the lightning. You rumble in the distance. I light up the sky.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I was told by a girl once that I should teach a course on how to kiss properly. I thought that was really a nice compliment. I then asked her what she thought about my sexual prowess and she recommended I talk to a guy she used to date. Body blow.

I don't hate anyone. I simply block them out using hellish visions in a blind white rage. But if I see them out I'm pleasant.