When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.

Time machine... wouldn't you like to travel through time? I would. I'd go back... mess with people. You know what I would do? I would go back to when my mom and dad were having sex, to have me. Ya'know, come in, spank my dad on the ass I'm your son from the future! Ahaha!

Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.

I just get excited doing shows. Off stage I am actually very feeble and must be spoon-fed because my hands are too brittle.

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."

I don't know if I could rebuild an airplane engine, but I know a little bit about rotors and rivets.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.