I don't have to do anything for anyone else's benefit anymore. I just want to exceed my own expectations.

I want to be able to challenge myself. And do things that are away from what I usually do. Stand-up is safe for me. I can do stand-up in front of twenty-five thousand people, and I'm like, "I know how to do this. This is what I do." I want to be a little scared.

It's hard to be happy for someone when you know deep down they'd kill you if they had the chance.

I love singing along to the radio while I'm riding in the back of a squad car.

Three weeks ago one of my dreams came true. I finally got to see something I always wanted to witness live. I finally saw someone get hit by a car... Nailed!

Some girls look beautiful with no makeup on at all. I call them lazy. Now go throw some war paint on you bleak empty canvas you.

I feel like people who don't brag are trying to make you jealous by thinking they're hiding something more even exciting.