I don't have to do anything for anyone else's benefit anymore. I just want to exceed my own expectations.

I had never done a roast, but I really wanted to, because it's so different from standup.

If you're 1 of the 3 girls in pics with a greaseball whose arms are around you at a club you lose at life. If you're the greaseball you win.

It really drives me banana sangwich.

I have never even had a sip of alcohol, never have done drugs. The hardest thing I have ever done would be Pepsi.

Then it was snack time, right in the middle of mass. Right out of nowhere, the priest would look down and say, 'Let's have some yum yums!' You would get in line - you would jump in the line - and you would go up and get the crouton O'Christ.

Someone needs to make a zombie movie where when you get bit it turns you into a singing and dancing extraordinaire.