I'm watching some television tonight. I'm watching The Discovery Channel. You know, this channel, you never ever plan on watching this. It just happens. You're flickin' around, all of a sudden - boom - you're watching a mole for an hour-and-a-half.

If you have to be at work at 8, it's always like, 7:54. Just enough time to do nothing. To just lay there and go, "I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!

I feel like the gods have certainly patted me on the head.

I work with a lot of kids. Every year, for the past fifteen years, I work at Comedy Camp where I work with a lot of kids.

If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are geographically undesirable.

You are the director of your own life story. Don't cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act.

I think beating someone to death with a ukulele would just sound funny.