I'm watching some television tonight. I'm watching The Discovery Channel. You know, this channel, you never ever plan on watching this. It just happens. You're flickin' around, all of a sudden - boom - you're watching a mole for an hour-and-a-half.

I had never done a roast, but I really wanted to, because it's so different from standup.

I've been ignoring my feelings lately. That works pretty well. Might also settle for less this week, just to try it out.

I had one job that was kind of cop-like. One summer I did security at a miniature golf course. Just standing out in the sun all day, Hey, hey, excuse me sir. Get your putter out of the whale's ass. Come on, this is a place of miniature business. This is not a playground even though it looks like a playground.

My grandmother died of natural causes. Or as my family calls it murdered by the lord.

I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.

When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.