I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50.

They used to beat me up after Sunday School, I used to get beat up... yeah, that's a nice little thank you from Jesus.

Ex-girlfriends will find themselves in my new routine. Sometimes they like that, and sometimes they definitely do not. But comedians should come with a giant warning or disclaimer: IF YOU DATE ME, IT WILL BE IN MY ACT.

I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50.

Someone needs to make a zombie movie where when you get bit it turns you into a singing and dancing extraordinaire.

It's the worst feeling when you come home alone late at night and think the stranger sitting on your couch is a pile of clothes.

My advice is: to try and stay really true to the things that make YOU laugh, as opposed to trying to create a character that you think is funny. Some comedians get into bad habits when they are trying to create something that is not them, and they are trying to write a voice that isn't their true voice.