There was a girl I loved in high school - but never spoke to. Cut to my five-year reunion: I'm an entirely different person.

It's the worst feeling when you come home alone late at night and think the stranger sitting on your couch is a pile of clothes.

When you hand someone a camera, why do they act like you just asked them to dissemble a bomb? They take it and they're like, 'What do I do ... I don't really ... ha-huh ...' Yeah, it's the button on the top right where it always is since the beginning of #*@! time!

I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day. I make sure it's with an elderly person holding a baby.

I've always read books and loved human behavior since I was ten or twelve years old. Maybe even that's why I wanted to do comedy.

If you take a negative, turn it inside out, it's still a negative. You're just revealing the ugly inside of negative so I say keep it as is.

We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits.