I live my life like there's no yesterday.

They used to beat me up after Sunday School, I used to get beat up... yeah, that's a nice little thank you from Jesus.

I'm a deep thinker when it comes to shallow no brainers.

What happens in Vegas, I'm telling everyone.

Ex-girlfriends will find themselves in my new routine. Sometimes they like that, and sometimes they definitely do not. But comedians should come with a giant warning or disclaimer: IF YOU DATE ME, IT WILL BE IN MY ACT.

I don't like littering and I think it leads to terrorist activities.

Are there glass shards in my anus?!