Some people have constipation of the brain but their mouth has the runs.

I'm in a new club, by the way. And I don't know if you're first timers like I am, but I'm in the 'I Just Dropped My Cell Phone In My Own Piss' Club. Have you done that? Yeah, good times. I'm on the phone and I forget that I'm using shoulder technique. Urinals were taken so I went in to use the regular john. And as I'm standing there, mid-conversation, I'm like 'Are you serious?' and it just started to toboggan right down my powerful chest.

A couple of days back, I got into a car accident. Not my fault. Even if it's not your fault, the other person gets out of their car and looks at you like it's your fault: Why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doing 80!

I can't watch a woman play with herself - to me, it looks like a DJ working the turntables... DJ Diddles.

Any guy that refers to dating women as the hunt or being on the prowl should be evaluated for a number of conditions.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

Why do they call it the restroom? Is there anybody just resting in this room?