I'm not giving up on life. I'm giving up on today.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.

Here's the thing about Red Sox fans, or actually just fans from that region, in general: they appreciate the effort. And if you mail it in or if you give 80 percent, even with a win, they'll let you know that's not how you do it. They want - if it's comedian, if it's a musician, bring us your best show.

You know your gut instincts are spot on about a person when you can also detect a water source in the soil beneath them.

I was told by a girl once that I should teach a course on how to kiss properly. I thought that was really a nice compliment. I then asked her what she thought about my sexual prowess and she recommended I talk to a guy she used to date. Body blow.

I work with a lot of kids. Every year, for the past fifteen years, I work at Comedy Camp where I work with a lot of kids.