Saw a lost dog sign with a pic of the dog and a little boy hugging it. I'm assuming the kids safe and we're just focusing on the pooch.

I love hecklers. They remind you that you are a comedian.

They used to beat me up after Sunday School, I used to get beat up... yeah, that's a nice little thank you from Jesus.

That MySpace is the story of the year. Everyone but my mother is on it.

Are there glass shards in my anus?!

If you lie to a person at least tell someone else you've lied to the truth. It balances out your karma.

I'm focused on staying as healthy as I can so I can work more.