Why do they call it the restroom? Is there anybody just resting in this room?

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

Anger has a way of seeping into every other emotion and planting itself in there.

Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single & lonely then it's called Laundry Day.

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

A lot of comics are kind of vampire types; we do our shows and disappear into the night. My philosophy was, this is like politics, and if I want people to know about my campaign, I'm going to go out there and shake hands.