Some girls look beautiful with no makeup on at all. I call them lazy. Now go throw some war paint on you bleak empty canvas you.

You can't teach an old hater new truths.

I've been ignoring my feelings lately. That works pretty well. Might also settle for less this week, just to try it out.

You know your gut instincts are spot on about a person when you can also detect a water source in the soil beneath them.

If you have to be at work at 8, it's always like, 7:54. Just enough time to do nothing. To just lay there and go, "I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!

I think beating someone to death with a ukulele would just sound funny.

I say it with my tongue firmly planted in cheek but there's truth to it - being a comedian is very close to being a therapist. When you're working smaller clubs, you're listening. You're feeling an energy, you're going with a tone but when people start yelling out, you almost start a conversation with people.