Dear semi hot girl taking photos on a boat. It's not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive a used Civic.

You have to realize, when you're a comedian, that you have to have a thick skin. And trust me, being onstage in front of people is already difficult enough. Somebody's personal attack in an email is not as hard as getting onstage.

When I have a really hot date at a show, I definitely make it a point to use her name. The girls really love that.

When you're on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man.

I say God bless you... I don't say bless you... I'm not the Lord. I can't do that...

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't like when juice wears tights, its a horrible combination when juice wears tights.