I love singing along to the radio while I'm riding in the back of a squad car.

I grew up very self-loathing. I was a phobic. I had anxiety. I had panic attacks.

Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single & lonely then it's called Laundry Day.

Ex-girlfriends will find themselves in my new routine. Sometimes they like that, and sometimes they definitely do not. But comedians should come with a giant warning or disclaimer: IF YOU DATE ME, IT WILL BE IN MY ACT.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

They used to beat me up after Sunday School, I used to get beat up... yeah, that's a nice little thank you from Jesus.

When I'm wrong I'm like the Emperor on the Death Star thinking he'll turn Luke. Yet, when I'm right I'm a Jedi like my father before me.