I can't watch a woman play with herself - to me, it looks like a DJ working the turntables... DJ Diddles.

I say it with my tongue firmly planted in cheek but there's truth to it - being a comedian is very close to being a therapist. When you're working smaller clubs, you're listening. You're feeling an energy, you're going with a tone but when people start yelling out, you almost start a conversation with people.

I'm sure that people who have been tweeting funny things have ended up on writing staffs of a late night show.

You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh.

Time machine... wouldn't you like to travel through time? I would. I'd go back... mess with people. You know what I would do? I would go back to when my mom and dad were having sex, to have me. Ya'know, come in, spank my dad on the ass I'm your son from the future! Ahaha!

Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes.

Any guy that refers to dating women as the hunt or being on the prowl should be evaluated for a number of conditions.