I do try to keep my show very improvisational. I don't work off a set list; I like to keep it more in the moment. I like to have information about where I'm going, what might be happening in that particular region as well. I like for people to feel like the show is for them.

The problem with dating a model is they won't go out with you if your cars color doesn't match their outfit.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I'm focused on staying as healthy as I can so I can work more.

I love hecklers. They remind you that you are a comedian.

I once overheard the sweetest old woman behind me on a train tell her adorable old husband as he scoffed down a ham sandwich she had brought along, "If you ever yell at me to "stop bringing a ham sandwich with me every where we go" again? Next time I'm bringing a gun. And I'm blowing your God damn head off."

It's hard to be happy for someone when you know deep down they'd kill you if they had the chance.