You've gotta share what's going on in your mind.

I can't watch a woman play with herself - to me, it looks like a DJ working the turntables... DJ Diddles.

If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.

Video games don't make people go nuts. I played Super Mario forever. Not once hopping on a turtle or smash my head through a brick ceiling.

We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits.

Comedy crowds - we always want to come out and ask you, 'How you feeling?' We always say that, 'By a round of applause, how do you feel?' Right? 'By a round of applause, how you feeling?' It's the only place in the world that you judge how you're feeling by a round of applause... There's never like a car accident, people all over the ground, people running over - 'Ma'am! Ma'am! By a round of applause, how do you feel? By a round of applause - she's not clapping!

Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.