You know who makes a great first impression? Liars.

I don't know what fire is made of - hell nobody does. All I know is that fire is awesome. I'm not a pyromaniac, but I am a pyroenthusiast.

I think boxers are the greatest athletes in all sports for the simple fact that they don't cry. That is mind-blowing. Have you ever been punched in the nose? Oh my gosh, it hurts so bad. They have to go back to corner, where some little man yells at them. 'Shut up, I just got punched in the face!'... If I was a boxer, do you know who I would hire as my corner man? My mom.

Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.

Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?

I don't know what's more embarrassing in this country, that Michael Phelps fell from the graces for smoking marijuana or that you looked up to a swimmer in the first place?

I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.