Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.

If I offend anybody tonight, I apologize. That's not my intention. I'm not going to guess what your personal line of decency is; I cross my own from time to time - it's how I know I still have one.

Racing does to white guys what movies do to black guys.

People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

Canadians complain too much. 'I like seasons.' So do I; that's why I live in a place that skips the [unpleasant] ones.

There's only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.