I'll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?!

I like my women like I like my coffee . . . I don’t like coffee.

I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.

Technically it's not premarital sex if you don't plan on marrying them.

If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.

Sometimes my mind wanders; other times it leaves completely.

Every year on my birthday I get a small dash on my inner thigh where my balls currently hang. You can't tell me that's not going to be a beautiful work of art when it's finished. My grandkids are playing with my balls, they can't figure it out. They're like, 'What are these things?' I'm like, 'It's your future, read the chart.' They don't stop growing; they're like earlobes. That joke was inspired by a door that wasn't locked when I was 11.