Kangoroos can't hop backwards.

I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.

I heart abortion. Where's the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won't be a normal heart. It'll be a dead infant heart. Y'know what the back will say? Problem Solved.

Racing does to white guys what movies do to black guys.

Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'

I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars.