Kangoroos can't hop backwards.

You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.

Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.

I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.

Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?

I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.

I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.