You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.

If you offer me a starring role in a movie, I have no interest.

I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.

If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?

Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.

I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I.

I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.