You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.

If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable - unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.

You never see anyone wearing a black turtleneck and leather jacket doing something nice.

Women can do anything men can do. Except math, chess, running, jumping, lifting stuff, fixing things, making money, hockey, surfing, driving, making decisions, being tall, taking out the garbage, tipping, fishing, being funny (on purpose), reading a map, listening to good bands, writing, running the country, inventing anything important, or being fun to hang out with.

I started my own foundation. If you aren't familiar with it, it's called 'Febreezing the homeless.' Who would you rather give money to: a man that smells 4like liquiid garbage, or ocean breeze?

e foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.

People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.