You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.

Racing does to white guys what movies do to black guys.

The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.

Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is; if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.

I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.'

The only thing surfers have in common with the rest of America is they're unemployed and they love crystal meth.

No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all