I don't know what's more embarrassing in this country, that Michael Phelps fell from the graces for smoking marijuana or that you looked up to a swimmer in the first place?

Women can do anything men can do. Except math, chess, running, jumping, lifting stuff, fixing things, making money, hockey, surfing, driving, making decisions, being tall, taking out the garbage, tipping, fishing, being funny (on purpose), reading a map, listening to good bands, writing, running the country, inventing anything important, or being fun to hang out with.

No touching... Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people's fingers.

Even people who don't believe in science still have to believe in gravity.

Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.

By the way, nothing I ever say, ever, has any truth behind it.

Kangoroos can't hop backwards.