I don't know what's more embarrassing in this country, that Michael Phelps fell from the graces for smoking marijuana or that you looked up to a swimmer in the first place?

Racing does to white guys what movies do to black guys.

You know, you can only cram your beliefs down a young kid's throat for so long before he goes, "you know, the other side seems to be having a lot more fun."

If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable - unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.

I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me.

That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.

Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.