Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

Let's be honest: it's not like I'm not making a good living that the whole family benefits from. No one talks about my foul mouth when we're all in Aspen for Christmas.

I'm going to be cremated from the neck down. And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. And then at the end, they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits or you have to start the whole service over. No cradling it - I want legit sets.

A white lady came running up to me after a show. She goes, What gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that. And I'm like, Listen lady, my best friend is Cuban. And that's close enough.

You know who makes a great first impression? Liars.

I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house.

I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.