Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.

If Canada were really that great, it would be a state.

I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

It's not a stereotype if it's always true.

I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I'm tired of walking 5K. I'm pretty sure I don't have to sweat for cancer. I'll write a check.

Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.