Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.

The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.

Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.

I mean my goal is to get Michael Richards to do stand up at the Laugh Factory to an all black audience.

A gynecologist is the dentist for the downstairs mouth.

I wasn't a pain in the ass when I was a kid. So I think being a screw-up as an adult is way more acceptable.

At least gays don't kill babies before their due date.