I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I'm tired of walking 5K. I'm pretty sure I don't have to sweat for cancer. I'll write a check.

Even people who don't believe in science still have to believe in gravity.

I don't know what fire is made of - hell nobody does. All I know is that fire is awesome. I'm not a pyromaniac, but I am a pyroenthusiast.

It's all fun and games until someone gets a boner.

We'll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds' name, sure, as soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth's name. Getting to break records before black people were allowed to play? Excuse me, where is that asterisk?

e foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.

I worked in Toronto for two days. And by work I mean sit in a trailer for 15 hours, say two lines, and leave.