I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I'm tired of walking 5K. I'm pretty sure I don't have to sweat for cancer. I'll write a check.

I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I.

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

One day, I want to get rich enough so that every time I walk into a room I can release a dozen doves.

Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.

Don't you love it when people in school are like, “I'm a bad test taker”? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here, but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.