I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I'm tired of walking 5K. I'm pretty sure I don't have to sweat for cancer. I'll write a check.

How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.

Canadians complain too much. 'I like seasons.' So do I; that's why I live in a place that skips the [unpleasant] ones.

Scattergories is second base for Christians.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.