Saw myself naked in front of a mirror a couple days ago - that's not the joke, that's what we called the setup. I saw myself naked, and I said, 'Holy cow, I'm 'The White Man.' I've heard a lot of bad things about you, cracka.

Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.

Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don't laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

You never see anyone wearing a black turtleneck and leather jacket doing something nice.

Kangoroos can't hop backwards.

I can say that. I have a television show.