Saw myself naked in front of a mirror a couple days ago - that's not the joke, that's what we called the setup. I saw myself naked, and I said, 'Holy cow, I'm 'The White Man.' I've heard a lot of bad things about you, cracka.

You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.

I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.

If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.

It's not a stereotype if it's always true.

I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.

I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars.