I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.

If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable - unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.

If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.'

You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can't tell their sixteen year old daughter she's not really a princess, well guess what, I can.

I worked in Toronto for two days. And by work I mean sit in a trailer for 15 hours, say two lines, and leave.

By the way, nothing I ever say, ever, has any truth behind it.