I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.

Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.

We'll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds' name, sure, as soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth's name. Getting to break records before black people were allowed to play? Excuse me, where is that asterisk?

I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

Am I the only person who hopes that David Beckham has sex with Brad Pitt? I don't know who's in charge of casting in Hollywood, but make it happen before one of them is out of their prime. Can you imagine those two men together making love? If there's a man in here that's junk doesn't wiggle just a little bit at the thought of those two men together - this has nothing to do with your homophobic sexual preference. At that level it's art, you monkey. You should be honored that you share the same restroom with those Greek gods.

You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.