Here’s what I tell people now when they come to my shows: “First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.”
I feel bad sometimes because I secretly hope New Orleans gets nailed again.
My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.
It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.
Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.
The only thing surfers have in common with the rest of America is they're unemployed and they love crystal meth.