You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can't tell their sixteen year old daughter she's not really a princess, well guess what, I can.

I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.

e foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.

People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.

If I offend anybody tonight, I apologize. That's not my intention. I'm not going to guess what your personal line of decency is; I cross my own from time to time - it's how I know I still have one.

Germany's like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.

I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'