You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can't tell their sixteen year old daughter she's not really a princess, well guess what, I can.

I can say that. I have a television show.

You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!

I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.

I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume you do your best work in the morning. Probably gets abstract by noon.

Now it's time for amasians... That's Asians doing something amazing.

Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.