If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable - unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I'm tired of walking 5K. I'm pretty sure I don't have to sweat for cancer. I'll write a check.

Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.

I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.

I mean my goal is to get Michael Richards to do stand up at the Laugh Factory to an all black audience.