If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable - unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.

I'm a homer, so the closer [I perform] to my house the better. If I could get crowds to gather around my bed, that would be ideal. I also like doing stand-up in places that I can surf, snowboard, or anywhere that I have a pregnancy scare.

I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I.

Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.

I worked in Toronto for two days. And by work I mean sit in a trailer for 15 hours, say two lines, and leave.

The only advice I have for youth is to date outside your race. I just think it's so cute when I see little kids in interracial relationships; it makes me feel like I'm watching a commercial.

Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.