If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.

Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.

Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.

I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.

Here’s what I tell people now when they come to my shows: “First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.”