If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.

How come New York gets all the cool plane crashes?

I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.

The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.

I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.