If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.

Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.

I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars.

Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?

I don't know why I get away with some things. But I'm not a misogynistic, racist person. Yet I do find those jokes funny, so I say them. And I try to say everything kind of in a good spirit.

I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.

Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.