I really don’t work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It’s really made the touring a lot less grueling.

We owe it to our troops to let them sleep in their own beds, wake up in the morning, have a delicious breakfast, and drive to war.

That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.

My favorite thing to steal is a kiss. You can get arrested for it but they can't force you to give it back.

I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.

I think it's kinda funny that all these rappers that used to be gangsters and thugs are telling us not to download their music from the internet, because that's stealing. Wow talk about ironic.

I mean my goal is to get Michael Richards to do stand up at the Laugh Factory to an all black audience.