Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at your local burrito stand, and you know, you think "how can you make a joke about this?"
Daniel ToshI wasn't a pain in the ass when I was a kid. So I think being a screw-up as an adult is way more acceptable.
Daniel ToshIf you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?
Daniel ToshIf security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.
Daniel ToshThere's no excuse for domestic violence. It sounds like a challenge. I mean, does everything have to be so black-and-white in this kindergarten country of ours? What if you come home from a long day at work and your wife has drowned two of your kids - she's about to dunk the third one. Can you run over and pop her then? Unfortunately no, there's no excuse. You're going to have to let her drown that third one.
Daniel Tosh