They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

If you snort enough blow, any lane is a passing lane.

I’m a Bad Test Taker…you mean you’re stupid?

I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.

I always wondered if those WWJD bracelets worked, so I bought one the other day. Well, a few minutes later, I was on a plane and this little kid was kicking my seat repeatedly, while his sister sang along with her walkman and their mother just sat there. I almost turned around and went off, and then I caught sight of my bracelet. What would Jesus do? So I lit them on fire and sent them all to Hell.

I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.

Never trust anyone who buttons their top button.