They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

Sure I may look adjusted, but I can't function in normal society because most of you are too stupid.

If I offend anybody tonight, I apologize. That's not my intention. I'm not going to guess what your personal line of decency is; I cross my own from time to time - it's how I know I still have one.

The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog.

Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?

You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!"

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.