Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.

I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.

One day, I want to get rich enough so that every time I walk into a room I can release a dozen doves.

Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

I started my own foundation. If you aren't familiar with it, it's called 'Febreezing the homeless.' Who would you rather give money to: a man that smells 4like liquiid garbage, or ocean breeze?

Every year on my birthday I get a small dash on my inner thigh where my balls currently hang. You can't tell me that's not going to be a beautiful work of art when it's finished. My grandkids are playing with my balls, they can't figure it out. They're like, 'What are these things?' I'm like, 'It's your future, read the chart.' They don't stop growing; they're like earlobes. That joke was inspired by a door that wasn't locked when I was 11.

I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I.