Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.

If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.

I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me.

I'm not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That's my range.

I'm also not good with numbers either, so it's not a great mix. People apparently don't want you ball-parkin' it when it comes to their finances.

I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.

At least gays don't kill babies before their due date.