Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.

The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.

My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had... so he sent me to a girls school.

I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.

No touching... Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people's fingers.

Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.

You never see anyone wearing a black turtleneck and leather jacket doing something nice.