I think pro-athletes should be forced to use steroids. I think we as fans deserve the greatest athletes science can create! Lets go! Anything that will make you run faster, jump higher! I have High-Definition TV! I want my athletes like my video games! Lets go! I could care less if you die at 40. You hate life after sports anyways. I'm doing you a favor.

My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.

I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.

Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.

Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.

The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. You can get a lot of television deals that don't go anywhere, but you still get paid.

I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.