My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.

Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.'

I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.

A gynecologist is the dentist for the downstairs mouth.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.