My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.

This is what I say to the most conservative person that's so terrified of gay marriage becoming legal. Just because the state says it's legal, it's not like God's going to let them into Heaven. So you can still sleep sound every night knowing that goal line defense is up at the pearly gates.

I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.

I don't know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.

By the way, nothing I ever say, ever, has any truth behind it.