My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

I fell asleep watching the country music channel and woke up racist.

The only thing surfers have in common with the rest of America is they're unemployed and they love crystal meth.

I heart abortion. Where's the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won't be a normal heart. It'll be a dead infant heart. Y'know what the back will say? Problem Solved.

I go to the dentist every six months, I get a cleaning, so... I'm fortunate enough that those fluoride treatments as a child worked. Not getting any cavities.

I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.