I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars.

You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.

Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.

If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.

Every video from Russia is depressing, it's like they have their cameras set to sad.

I like my women like I like my coffee . . . I don’t like coffee.

I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house.