I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars.

I fell asleep watching the country music channel and woke up racist.

The only thing surfers have in common with the rest of America is they're unemployed and they love crystal meth.

You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can't tell their sixteen year old daughter she's not really a princess, well guess what, I can.

I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.

You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!"

Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.