I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars.

I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.

I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'

You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.

Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.

I'm not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That's my range.