I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that.

Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

Here’s what I tell people now when they come to my shows: “First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.”

I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It's really made the touring a lot less grueling. A lot of people get to this level and they're like, Now I do four cities in one week and they tour nonstop. I'm like, No, that sounds miserable. I'll just do two weekends a month. But whenever I'm in some awful place geographically, it's no longer that awful, because you've got the Internet and television.

I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.