The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.

I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It's really made the touring a lot less grueling. A lot of people get to this level and they're like, Now I do four cities in one week and they tour nonstop. I'm like, No, that sounds miserable. I'll just do two weekends a month. But whenever I'm in some awful place geographically, it's no longer that awful, because you've got the Internet and television.

You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.

The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?

God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.

e foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.

You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.