I'm also not good with numbers either, so it's not a great mix. People apparently don't want you ball-parkin' it when it comes to their finances.

I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.

If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?

I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.

The only thing surfers have in common with the rest of America is they're unemployed and they love crystal meth.

Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.