I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

I really don’t work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It’s really made the touring a lot less grueling.

Somebody bought me a Snuggie as a joke gift. Haha, the joke's on you, I enjoy it. I toss and turn at night, finally a blanket that's like, 'I'm going to keep you warm.' It's like having a small child with polio keep you in a full nelson - the perfect pressure.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

If you snort enough blow, any lane is a passing lane.

Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.

I worked in Toronto for two days. And by work I mean sit in a trailer for 15 hours, say two lines, and leave.