I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.

You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.

How come New York gets all the cool plane crashes?

I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

There's only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.

I'm going to be cremated from the neck down. And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. And then at the end, they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits or you have to start the whole service over. No cradling it - I want legit sets.