Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.
It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.
I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.
If you snort enough blow, any lane is a passing lane.
Canadians complain too much. 'I like seasons.' So do I; that's why I live in a place that skips the [unpleasant] ones.
Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'