You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!

I wasn't a pain in the ass when I was a kid. So I think being a screw-up as an adult is way more acceptable.

You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!"

People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.

That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.

Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'

I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.