You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!

Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.

You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can't tell their sixteen year old daughter she's not really a princess, well guess what, I can.

It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.

Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.

I'm also not good with numbers either, so it's not a great mix. People apparently don't want you ball-parkin' it when it comes to their finances.

My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had... so he sent me to a girls school.