Somebody bought me a Snuggie as a joke gift. Haha, the joke's on you, I enjoy it. I toss and turn at night, finally a blanket that's like, 'I'm going to keep you warm.' It's like having a small child with polio keep you in a full nelson - the perfect pressure.

You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.

If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?

Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.

Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.

I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.

If you offer me a starring role in a movie, I have no interest.