I'm not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That's my range.

I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.

Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him.

Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.

I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.

Here’s what I tell people now when they come to my shows: “First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.”

I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.