I'm not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That's my range.

I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.

Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.

I think it's kinda funny that all these rappers that used to be gangsters and thugs are telling us not to download their music from the internet, because that's stealing. Wow talk about ironic.

I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.

I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house.

Here’s what I tell people now when they come to my shows: “First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.”