How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.

Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I'm tired of walking 5K. I'm pretty sure I don't have to sweat for cancer. I'll write a check.

I worked in Toronto for two days. And by work I mean sit in a trailer for 15 hours, say two lines, and leave.

I heart abortion. Where's the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won't be a normal heart. It'll be a dead infant heart. Y'know what the back will say? Problem Solved.

Finding my dog's g spot is taking way longer than I would care to admit.

I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.