God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.

I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume you do your best work in the morning. Probably gets abstract by noon.

I actually got a part in 'The Love Guru', that Mike Myers film. I heard it's awful. I got a Razzie award for it, which I'm quite proud of, but I still haven't seen it. I have no plans to branch out.

I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I.

If Canada were really that great, it would be a state.

Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.

Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.