I'm a homer, so the closer [I perform] to my house the better. If I could get crowds to gather around my bed, that would be ideal. I also like doing stand-up in places that I can surf, snowboard, or anywhere that I have a pregnancy scare.

Never hit a woman unless you are a bigger woman.

I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.

You never see anyone wearing a black turtleneck and leather jacket doing something nice.

It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.

You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.

Germany's like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.