Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.

I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume you do your best work in the morning. Probably gets abstract by noon.

It's all fun and games until someone gets a boner.

At least gays don't kill babies before their due date.

Even people who don't believe in science still have to believe in gravity.

I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It's really made the touring a lot less grueling. A lot of people get to this level and they're like, Now I do four cities in one week and they tour nonstop. I'm like, No, that sounds miserable. I'll just do two weekends a month. But whenever I'm in some awful place geographically, it's no longer that awful, because you've got the Internet and television.

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!