Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.

I fell asleep watching the country music channel and woke up racist.

If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.

I'm a homer, so the closer [I perform] to my house the better. If I could get crowds to gather around my bed, that would be ideal. I also like doing stand-up in places that I can surf, snowboard, or anywhere that I have a pregnancy scare.

If you offer me a starring role in a movie, I have no interest.

Here’s what I tell people now when they come to my shows: “First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.”

Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.